As I sat resting after surgery for ectopic pregnancy and fallopian tube removal only two days prior, I couldn’t help but wonder why I didn’t know anyone (besides Charlotte from Geordie Shore) who had gone through this? Surely I’m not the only one out of all the people I know?
Then I remembered, women are told not to talk about pregnancy until the scary part (first 12 weeks) is over.
Well not me, I’m an open book, I’ve never understood why we should suffer alone.
I told a handful of friends during the three weeks that I was going through the hell of blood tests, cramps, bleeding, ultrasounds, specialist appointments and more. Without them, I would have been in physical pain and struggling with a toddler alone. My husband works away one week, home one week at a time. When he’s home, he is amazing, very hands on and capable. We parent 50/50 together and I am so grateful, but when he’s away it can be hard to deal with this stuff without a network of friends to lean on.
You’re here for the long story? Well here goes…
Wednesday 20th April, “peak” ovulation day according to my cycle tracker app, also Jason’s fly in day and Levi’s daycare day that week.
Thankfully I track my menstrual cycle very closely as we are trying to fall pregnant with baby number two. Because of this, I was very aware that I was on my ‘peak’ ovulation day. Jason got home, we did the deed and instantly I had light spotting. As the day went on I developed light cramps like what I would get the day before my period. I thought it was odd but maybe implantation bleeding (silly I know, it was the one time we had sex that week so as if that implantation bleeding would happen immediately!).
Later that night I got up to comfort our toddler who cried out, and while standing next to his cot, stroking his head my left ovary cramped so intensely I almost screamed out. The now sleeping toddler was the only reason I did not! It was accompanied with a shooting pain that went down my left leg and I couldn't move for a moment.
I hobbled back to bed next to Jason, curled over in agony, unable to sit or lay still but in too much pain to stand or walk, this went on for an hour straight. Jason got up and got me a heat pack and pain killers, and helped me find a position that was semi comfortable, enough to try to relax.
I got on my phone and found the closest doctor's appointment available in our small town for the following morning. I presumed I had a cyst that had burst or something. For a brief moment I had the passing thought “I wonder if this is what a miscarriage feels like” but I quickly moved on as the dates wouldn’t make sense since I was currently ovulating and had my period 2 weeks ago. I eventually fell asleep with a pillow stuffed under my knees and a heat pack on my pelvis. Bleeding as if I had my period again now.
The next morning I woke up with medium bleeding and some minor cramps but nothing hectic like the night before. I still followed my instincts and went to the doctor's appointment at 11.30am. She asked all the usual questions then got me to do a urine sample just in case I was pregnant and maybe it was ectopic (her words at the time). Five minutes later, we found out she was right in presuming I was pregnant and that something was not right. She called the radiology clinics straight away to try to book me in for an ultrasound that afternoon to determine what's going on. She also sent me straight in for a blood test to see how high my HCG levels were.
She was a lovely doctor and was very gentle in her approach when she warned me that even though she could not tell me what was going on, that the chances of this being a viable pregnancy were not sounding good, but we needed the results of everything else before jumping to any conclusions.
We got a sitter for our son and went to the ultrasound together, unsure of how we were feeling or what to expect. The pelvic exam was inconclusive and basically showed nothing, so an internal was next. The sonographer let me know that she couldn’t see a pregnancy in or out of the uterus which means she couldn't say with confidence if it is ectopic or not, and to find out what the blood test show to see how far along I am, as it could just not be visible anywhere yet.
Blood tests didn’t come back that day but the doctor called anyway to let me know the term for this is PUL (Pregnancy Unknown Location) - who knew that was a thing right? Anyway, basically she said the fact that there was nothing visible could mean I miscarried and it was very early and a very “clean” miscarriage, or its ectopic and too small to see yet. For it to be viable a “yolk sack” would be visible and it wasn’t.
Next day we decided to keep our plans and go camping to a nearby small country town to try and keep our minds busy since I wasn’t in any pain and we were just going to be waiting around for the doctor to call anyway! This was a great idea, it worked well, however I was so confused as to if I could drink, if I could eat the things you aren't meant to eat when pregnant, and so on. I was eagerly awaiting the call which came at 4pm, the doctor said my HCG levels were VERY low, apparently by 2ish weeks they should be 5000+ and mine were 450, so not viable.
Next step was she wanted me to get a blood test done every second day for a week to make sure my levels were going down not up. If they go up then it would look ectopic and could cause complications and get very dangerous, and if they go down then it would mean a miscarriage was passing through and the body was getting rid of it naturally.
That Sunday we came home from camping, I hadn’t had any pain until we pulled up home after our 2hr drive and my tummy was cramping, not terribly but bad enough to not want to do anything except sit on the couch with a hot water bottle.
Fast forward to a week later, I had gone in for 2 blood tests that week and so far HCG was reducing. On the Sunday night I was struck down with pelvic pain again, but this time I was alone! My husband was away at work and I live 2-3hrs away from our parents, and my sister who lives nearby was over the other side of the country on holiday. Luckily a friend picked up the phone and came over to entertain my son until bedtime, then I had a big cry to her and felt a little less alone.
The next day my blood test showed my HCG levels had increased, not ideal! The doctor was concerned and said to go to emergency if my pain or bleeding increased. I called my mum and asked her to come down and be with me in case I needed to go to hospital, so she jumped in the car and 3hrs later was giving me a big bear hug at my front door and entertaining my son (phewf!).
Tuesday morning, the doctor told me to go get an ultrasound to see if they can see anything this time, the ultrasound again showed no visible sign of pregnancy, however there was a bit of random tissue sitting up against the left ovary that they wanted to keep an eye on. I made a GP appointment for the following day where I would hear a bit of a plan going forward.
On Wednesday my GP called the specialist and asked their opinion. Their advice was to get another blood test and see if the levels had risen or not. So off to the blood clinic I went for my fifth blood test in two weeks. Unfortunately, the HCG levels had doubled so I was booked in to see the specialist on Friday. Jason got home from work Wednesday night which was great. I needed him a lot over the next week!
So far this post has been very “appointment and blood test” talk heavy, I must admit through this time I was mentally not doing great. I was getting pretty miserable, I couldn't go to yoga, which I usually do 2-4 times a week. I was in pain and felt really impatient and helpless, I was also super bloated and only felt like eating crap. Comfort food has always been such a thing for me and I was not backing down from it this time.
Anyway, back to “appointment” talk. Friday we went to see the specialist, it was actually with the same gyno that had done my stitches for my 3C tear after the birth of Levi so it was good to have a semi familiar face as the person we were seeing. He was lovely, very empathetic and treated the situation as he would if he were the one breaking the news that this wasn't looking good, I think he was a bit shocked when I already was aware of the reality and haven't got my hopes up at all considering how it all started!
He said unfortunately it is a wait and see situation, there were three possibilities for what could be happening:
- Ectopic but too small to see yet (HCG will either stay the same or grow slightly)
- Different type which I don't remember the name of but basically it’s where a placenta starts growing but there's no baby (HCG will decrease)
- Twin pregnancy (the least likely) but one twin had miscarried and the other was only just starting to develop. (HCG will increase at a large rate)
Now I felt very confused, slightly hopeful, but also very realistically acknowledging the chances of it being viable were slim to none. I went off for another blood test to see what my hormones were doing today, with a plan going forward based on the blood test results.
Doctor called at 8pm that night (amazing!) saying HCG had doubled, so as much as he didn't want me getting my hopes up he said to treat my body as if I am pregnant in case by the stroke of a miracle it is the twin pregnancy one and there's a successful pregnancy happening. The doctor said another blood test on Monday would give us answers.
That weekend it was mothers day, what a strange mix of emotions celebrating mothers day while in such an uncertain position. I really tried to just focus my attention on Levi and my mum/Jason’s mum. We went up to see and stay with Jason’s family which was a nice distraction but also a great way for me to talk about what was going on and get it off my chest.
Monday morning we were still at Jason’s family's place so we went to get my blood taken at a local place there before heading home.
By the time we got home I got a call from the specialist saying my hormone level had increased but not at the rate you would want for a viable pregnancy, which rules out the twin pregnancy option. They also said that they wanted me to get an ultrasound the next day with possible D&C on Wednesday. She was very concerned and said to monitor my cramping and go straight to emergency if I got any bad cramping or bleeding.
I had such a mixed response to this, I was sad that the tiny glimmer of hope was gone, but relieved that my second child's pregnancy journey isn't starting this way. I just wanted answers and resolutions at this point. I was getting very impatient.
That night we went to bed, and I woke up at 1am with cramps in my tummy. I went to the toilet and it hurt really bad to pee. I got back to bed and told Jason I think we need to go to the hospital.
I called my sister to come over and look after Levi, packed an overnight bag in case and once she arrived we headed to our local hospital.
We arrived, got RAT tested for COVID-19, and a doctor came in to see me. He asked what was wrong and I explained that I have a possible ectopic pregnancy and that my specialist had said to present to emergency if any symptoms developed overnight. He went off to see if I had any records there and returned telling me there were no records of anything on their system and did I have any ultrasound images or blood test results with me, which I did not. He then said “oh well you can just wait here until the morning and we’ll get you an ultrasound when they open at 9, but you might not be first in if there's others waiting too”.
It was currently 3am and I was not impressed with this option. I asked him if the next town (bigger town an hour from our house, kind of the main hospital for the region) over had overnight ultrasounds and he said “yes but don't tell them you came here first” in other words he was not willing to transfer me and that it wouldn't look good on their behalf if I went but I could if I wanted to?
Jason and I were really unimpressed at this point, I mean the doctor hadn't even felt my tummy or done a blood test, nothing! So we decided to leave and go to the next hospital. Once in the car and driving I called the next hospital and they told me the radiologist is closed between 3am-7am and that I was more than welcome to come in but I couldn’t get seen until 7am.
By this point my pain had subsided quite a bit, we were tired and confused so decided to head home to have a sleep, and decide what to do in the morning.
Morning came and my pain was still there. Jason got Levi off to daycare and I rang the specialists office to explain what happened overnight. The nurse there was not happy at all with the process that had happened and told me to get to the next hospital (1hr away) asap. She called them and told them of my situation, sent all scans and blood tests through to them and I booked an ultrasound myself in case it ended up being earlier than what I get through the emergency department. We got there by 10am, and my ultrasound was booked for 11.30, by 11.30 I was in the final triage but still hadn’t been seen so we went over for the appointment.
In the ultrasound the pelvic exam was inconclusive so I had an internal exam, the radiologist did let me know she couldn’t see an ectopic pregnancy because by this stage it would still be so small, but she could confirm the pain was due to fluid in my pelvis, hence the pain, and this means it is ectopic.
She sent me back to emergency where I was then put straight through and saw a doctor within 20mins. Another blood test was taken, cannula put in and told to sit tight. Jason went off to grab us some lunch and when he returned the nurse had just told me I couldn’t eat as I will most likely need a surgery - the chips Jason returned with still haunt me to this day!
The Gyno doctor came to see me, she explained that yes it is ectopic, still very small but they could either give me the injection Methotrexate basically kills any growing cells, but risk is that it wont work and I’ll have to come back for surgery anyway, or I could have the surgery that evening. I opted for the surgery that evening. This was all around 12.30-1ish. We waited in the hospital for hours but I didn’t mind, finally something was happening and it would all be over soon. I just needed those answers.
By 5.45pm I was saying goodbye to Jason as he headed home and I got wheeled into surgery. Next thing I knew I was waking up drowsily, and mumbling things about needing to wee, but then not able to as my bladder was 100% empty! I was very tender that night but in less pain than the day prior, so I woke up very happy.
The Gyno who did the surgery came to see me in the morning, she told me they could see the pregnancy in my left fallopian tube therefore they had to remove the tube. She also assured me that this does not affect fertility, the one tube that is left will do the job of both ovaries and switches each month to the one that's ovulating - amazing stuff isn’t it!
When I got home my mother in law had done all my washing, cleaned my kitchen and my son was very happy to see me. Friends had sent flowers and care packs, a meal and my mum bought us take away so we didn't have to cook and I felt very supported by my nearest and dearest. Especially my sister who was basically on call for babysitting, and is still taking my bins out for me to this day.
I am not one to suffer in silence, not for a cold, and especially not for this. The recovery is still going, I am only 10 days post surgery now but it has really shown me how lucky I am to have amazing people in my life and that talking about these things opens so many doors to conversations not commonly had, but very much needed.
I’m still feeling quite in denial of the fact that I was even actually pregnant, I think because it doesn't feel like I lost a baby because I didn’t know I was pregnant, however it does feel like a loss has occurred. I’m a mixed bag of emotion at the moment but it's all normal and totally justified!
The end - I hope, wish me luck with my ongoing journey to baby number 2 (or is it 3 now?)
If you know someone who this post may help, please send it to them. I tried to include every important detail to be as helpful to others as possible. Also please check out out Loss Care Pack to help support your loved one through this time.