Before I had a baby, I did what I always do...

Before I had a baby, I did what I always do, I prepared like the A+ student I always was. I did a hypnobirthing course, I did the birth class at hospital and I did a breastfeeding course online. I was ready to have my perfect birth, which to me meant a natural, drug free water birth, surrounded by positive affirmations, salt lamps, candles and calming birth music.

HA! You can probably guess what happened. Nothing, I repeat not a single thing went to plan. (Except ending up with a baby).

But that’s another story. This story is about my breastfeeding journey. Something I didn’t know a lot about. And despite all the birth prep I had done I hadn't ever considered, nor even thought about getting a pump… like why would I need one? I thought I would pop bub on my chest, he would do the crawl, latch on and that would be it. Again that is not what happened not even close.

This is my son, who was diagnosed with failure to thrive, imagine that. I failed so much in my job of feeding him that he was not thriving and in fact was dangerously thin. As a first time mum, I didn’t know… I didn’t know what to look for, I didn’t know the warning signs.

He had jaundice, many jaundice babies have to be woken to feed. So when my son slept 6.5 hours the first night I bought him home I bought it up to the midwife who said "great, enjoy the sleep as long as he’s gaining weight", she weighed him and went on her way. This continued for 4 or so days. Unfortunately his jaundice score wasn’t really improving, light therapy was considered, but he was on the cusp and I believe everyone was busy, as it was Christmas, so decided against it.

His weight was increasing slowly, and no one seemed alarmed so I thought ok, the experts aren’t worried, I should try not be worried, even though he still hadn’t reached his birth weight.

At this point I was in breastfeeding hell. I had cracked nipples, one that was getting progressively worse. Every feed was a nightmare. I would sob and cry out loud at every feed. My partner was getting so worried. I had one slightly flat nipple and so to feed my son would have to first suck it out. It felt like someone was slitting my nipple with a knife every time.

Shortly after Christmas the pain became unbearable so I contacted the hospital who said to come in and see their lactation consultant. When I went in I was shown a few different hold options and asked if it felt OK. It did feel better but I didn’t feel confident, I felt extremely rushed and a bit stupid, like I should understand it.

I tried what I had learned when I got home but it really didn’t help. I didn’t properly understand the holds, and my nipples were getting worse. I physically couldn’t continue to feed on one side so I was hand expressing and then feeding on the other side. My sons weight was concerning me now, no one else seemed too worried, but I was. I called the hospital to explain that I was concerned about his weight and his jaundice not improving, they told me they were too busy to see us so call the GP. I called the GP who said they were too busy to see us and we were still meant to be under the care of the hospital so go there. I explained that the hospital said they were too busy so begrudgingly the GP booked us in. When we got there however we were passed on to a different doctor than the one who we had booked in to see.

While in the appointment I explained my concerns. The doctor listened to my sons heart with the stethoscope and then said he looked perfectly alert and happy so therefore was probably fine. He never weighed him, nor did he check his jaundice, but he did take two calls from his own son in the middle of our appointment. Without further ado he sent us on our way.

I must say at this stage everyone asked if he was pooing and weeing. I said yes as he was weeing, but it wasn’t until after we realised his “poos” were just little pooey farts. But I didn’t know what a baby poo looked like. What was normal or how much?

At this point we left, I felt so confused as my instincts were saying something was wrong but the doctor was saying there otherwise, and having no experience with a newborn, I put all my faith in the professionals.

Two days later we had our scheduled appointment with the child health nurse.
She was concerned with his weight. So much so that she said, he needs to go on formula. Straight away! She told me to give him 120ml bottles 4-5 times a day. Again I was sent on my way and at this point I was absolutely reeling. Formula!!! What!?! No. My baby was going to be exclusively breastfed… breast is best, isn’t it?

My partner drove us straight to the chemist as he was also very concerned, I went in and I was so overwhelmed, the nurse hadn't told me which formula, or which bottle. The beautiful lady in the chemist asked if I needed help and I just broke down sobbing in the middle of the chemist, talk about embarrassing. She had to usher me to a room out the back to calm down. She was so lovely, but said as my son didn’t have a specific dietary requirement I would be best to get his formula from the supermarket. What a minefield. I quickly googled best formula and chose an organic middle priced formula.
We took it home and promptly gave our son 120ml bottle. 2 minutes later he power spewed what looked to be the whole bottle out. I was so confused. Didn’t he need this food, wasn’t it going to fix everything?

Stressed now that he was allergic, I took him off the formula straight away and thought I will just push through the excruciating pain and what was a now diagnosed staph infection in my nipple and breastfeed.

Two days later I had a Telehealth conference with the same doctor I’d seen a few days before. He was 3 hours late. I waited on hold with a hungry, screaming baby for the doctor to finally come online.
Finally he called and asked me what had transpired with the child health nurse. I told him about my sons weight and her formula recommendation. He was shocked, he said he should only be on 60ml of formula. (Talk about confusing) I thought my head might explode.

He also decided to put me on domperidone which is an anti-nausea medication. It is also prescribed to treat stomach pain for people who are receiving end-of-life care. In some countries, doctors prescribe it to breastfeeding mothers to increase milk supply when other measures haven't worked. (However I have now also been made aware that it is banned in many countries including the UK & USA for lactation purposes, due to the potential side effects) I was praying this was the answer to my low supply issue.

I was now so stressed I’m not sure I could even make milk if I tried.
We moved back to Perth the next day as we had had my son in my home town in the South West WA. I booked in to see the child health nurse in our area. I met her on Wednesday and she was concerned about his weight and that he was still jaundice so long after being born. She asked me to come back in two days to see how he was traveling.

On the Friday I went back in to the child health nurse where she weighed him again. He had only put on 15g in 2 days. She said to me “ I don’t want to alarm you, but you need to take him to the children’s hospital immediately. He was tracking under the 3rd percentile for his age.

Finally someone seemed to care.

But I was devastated. And confused, and scared.
I rang my partner sobbing and told him we needed to go the hospital right away. He came home and we took our bub straight to Perth Children's hospital.
They were so lovely. Despite it being extremely busy and a Friday afternoon we were seen to quite quickly. Unfortunately as we were there they needed to rule out any illnesses with him as the cause for his low weight. So our poor little man was subject to multiple heel prick blood tests, a blood test in his arm and a catheter among a few others.

His fluids were sent off for testing and we were admitted to the ward. Only my son and I were able to stay which was soo tough. I was told I needed to wake him to feed every 3 hours and the Dr would be in in the morning to asses him.
We had an OK night, but I was on edge and stressed.

The doctor came around in the morning and assessed him. She believed he had bad reflux and that combined with not a great latch probably lead to his low weight. She recommended I breastfeed him every 3 hours for 15 mins each breast and then top him up with a thickened formula or pumped breast milk to help him keep it down.

I was so relieved to have a plan, and finally have someone acknowledge something wasn’t working.

At this point I was hand expressing which was exhausting. I would have to work so hard to wake my son as he was so lethargic due to no energy and the jaundice. And then feed him, make him a bottle of formula or thickened breastmilk put him back to sleep and then pump to get enough to feed him the next feed.

I would get about 1.5 hours sleep before the process started again.
I was soo mentally and physically exhausted but I was determined I would breastfeed my baby and that he would have as much breastmilk as possible.

After 4 days (and a false start as the nurses didn’t realise they were meant to thicken his bottles) we finally left the hospital. On the way home we purchased a hands free pump (a cheap one) and went home to start this new chapter.

It was relentless, I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything as I was always feeding, pumping, preparing bottles or trying to wake my baby.
Finally when we went to the child health nurse to check his weight we started seeing results. He started to gain weight and started to become more alert and responsive. He wasn’t sleeping as much and was reaching milestones like smiling even before the average age.

I was sooo happy. Exhausted but happy.

We continued this until I could get him in to see a new doctor.
She right away recommended we see the lactation consultant on site. She believed he could, with some support, be exclusively breastfed. Which was always my hope.

I booked in and saw the lactation consultant 2 days later. She agreed that he could, in her opinion be exclusively breastfed. In that appointment, we realised that a lot of the time he was on the boob, he wasn’t actively feeding. He wasn’t drawing the milk out and this, coupled with my nipple pain was probably the reason for my low supply.

She taught me how to take him off and re latch him to encourage active feeding and to stop if he wasn’t as it wasn’t doing anything other than hurting my nipples. She also recommended hiring a hospital grade pump, putting him on bottles for two days and pumping every two hours for 15 - 20 mins to increase my supply.

It was the biggest lightbulb moment, I did exactly as she said and when I returned to see her 10 days later he was gaining weight well and I could finally feel my breasts filling and emptying after feeds and I could hear him gulping during a let down. It was like everything finally made sense. The lactation consultant said I could begin to ween him off the top ups as long as he continued to gain weight. I just had to watch his reflux and if I felt he had vomited a lot I would just top up with expressed, thickened breast milk. She also recommended the Silverette nipple shields, which I think saved my nipples.

At this stage my son was just over two months old.
It was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, especially all while recovering myself from a c-section.
But from 10 weeks my son has been exclusively breastfed. He is now 5.5 months and thriving, I don’t think he’ll ever be a chubba bubba but he is tracking well on his percentile and hitting all his milestones.

However, it hasn’t been easy since for me. I constantly live with the fear he is not gaining weight and that I am the only one not noticing. Even now I have days where I am on the verge of a panic attack that he isn’t being fed enough. And that I have a low supply. It has really put a bit of a cloud of anxiety over our baby journey and I believe I will probably need to see someone to move past it.

Looking back, I wish I had known to wake him to feed as a newborn, or pump (with a good pump) if he wasn’t, to encourage a good supply. This would have saved us from the start. But if I could give any advice to new mothers in a similar situation, it would be to listen to your instincts, push for answers if you don’t get them the first time, believe in yourself and do not punish yourself if breastfeeding isn’t for you. I spent so long thinking breastfeeding is the only way, but this journey has really made me see that fed is best and it really does not matter how, if you have a healthy, thriving, happy baby.
Do what is right for your family and your mental health.